A Time of Mourning

Here I sit, being just over 2 weeks PP.

I sit and I contemplate my birth experience. Yesterday I had my OB take a look at my c-section incision to be sure it was healing right. Was given the approval of taking off my steri-strips.

I found out that the position of Nolan's head was diagnosed as Asynclitic. This is why I was never able to dilate past 4cm. This of course was not found out until we were in surgery.

Despite all these complications, I miss being pregnant. I missed out on experiencing the birth of my son. I go from being conscious on the table, to waking up with a warm blanket on me and the faint voice of my husband telling me we had a son and how he looked like me. There was no longer a life forming inside me.

I am not pregnant, but I am not 100% back to my self yet. So what do you call a woman in this stage?

We don't know 100% if we are done having children right now. I asked the Dr. about a VBAC and if it was possible. He indeed said it was but that we would cross that bridge later on. But the actual chances of me going into labor on my own seem like a fairy tale since both pregnancies have resulted in inductions. In order to VBAC, I can not have anything that would hyper stimulate my uterus as it could result in uterine rupture and require emergency surgery. This is why in order for the hospital to be able to handle a VBAC, they have to have a 24 hr anesthesiologist on hand at all times.

I know the ultimate goal is a healthy baby and mom at the end of the day, but I can't help but feel like the rug was ripped from under my feet on this birth experience.