The Mattress war

I may or may not have blogged about this before, but there is something about sharing a bed and the summer heat. Due to our resources, we have stuck to sharing a full size bed because of the unique features this mattress bestows. As far as bedding goes, we haven't used more than a sheet for warmth since early May. Anything more seems to be a bit hot.

I grew up in Southern California where the summer heat would be hard to deal with. Not to mention not having central AC. Our break from the heat when the ceiling fans were not enough was to go to the mall! Right before I moved away, it was 111 degrees. It was as if the air stood still. The bathroom tiles were hot down to the toilet seat. I guess you could say I built up a tolerance for this hot weather.

Mr. G grew up on the north east coast where winters became very cold while the summer was hot and humid, he was blessed with central air.

Fast forward to present time.....

Where we live, it can get warm (Low 90's). The heat dies at night, making the temperature tolerable.......... except for my husband. He'll get up during the night and go sleep on the futon where the sliding door is open to get cool. Only from that point, my body must sense the extra room and slides over in the middle. Mr. G then finds himself with no bed. The last attempts of moving me over while asleep triggered me to flail my arms at him like I was swatting his efforts away.

Back to the futon he goes......

Wee hours in the morning he wakes up again and returns to our bed where I guess I've moved back over. As I start to wake up, I find his body temperature to be a bit discomforting and toss the sheet off me. This makes me wonder if we will find any peace on this bed until the Fall season starts?

A rut?

So we are approaching almost the 5 month mark of being married and I can't help but notice a bit of a rut in our days we work. We both come home in the 6-7 evening time and start dinner. If its cooked and on the table by 7, its a luxury. Then we go to our respective spots and veg out until one of us gets bored and joins the other. I tend to initiate getting ready for bed and Mr. G follows soon afterward.

Part of me is starting to feel as though being married is the constant while being single was the variable. Even this statement is flawed because marriage will never stay constant due to life. God is the constant. Yet this is how I feel right now.

I remember soon after getting back from the moon, we went out after getting home from work and ended up going into Washington to the local mall and then Thai food afterward near where I use to live. Boy does this feel like ages ago. Now both of us are so tired, making any ideas of going out again to be out of the question.

I don't even like going out at all on my day off following 3 heavy days of work. Doomed to be a hermit despite being married.

When we move east, there will be far more places to drive to. The next major city/metro is 3 hours away even and if you want some big time amusement park, it requires 10+ hours of driving. And I thought 3 hours was crazy growing up to get to Six Flags.

So what else is in store for us during our first year?

Pleasing.......

I've gotten so very tired trying hard to please others lately. This is not to get mixed up with not being able to say no, but the reason being I am required to give of myself above my own needs for my job.

A job I feel a bit inadequate to do and a resounding gong repeats the sound of doubt with each beat. I can't think clearly enough...too much fuzz and I am nervous about whatever growth we make will blow up causing reprehensible damage. Damed if I do, damed if I don't. Neither direction seems to bring a solution.

My doubt doesn't stay locked up in my office.......

No, it commutes home to my residence, personal life and married life. It makes me not want to serve my husband and give of myself. Right now, I want him to serve me. He see's my hurt and I want nothing but for him to run and rescue me where my happiness and joy is the only thing which matters at this moment.

Instead he comes to me wanting his needs fulfilled. When will he get the picture? Then guilt comes over me like a wave about my own selfish nature making me not any better than my spouse.

Yet I am called to fight the battle of apathy and indifference. Concerns increase with how empty I've become to this point. At just the right chink.....hairline fracture........will my fighting arm shatter because of the sheer weight of my sword? And others will speak in whisper to each other about what I did wrong and this must be all my careless fault, but not say it to my face.

Oh how I long to be poured into with overflowing joy and happiness again. My job isn't doing it, hobbies, weather, money...and not my spouse who I had hoped would ease some of the sting of life. I want to be a baby again where I did not question who would take care of me or my next meal. To be bathed and swaddled while a comforting voice rings in a soothing tone of, "everything is going to be okay."

My happy place is lost for the moment. I remember sitting on the top of the monkey bars watching the sun set over the metal jungle gym at the school yard. I would kick my shoes off and feel the gentle cooling breeze run its way through the cotton socks and the middle of my toes. This memory does not exactly come across as happy, but the thoughts or problems running through my brain could be easily forgotten with a Happy Meal or 3 day weekend with no homework or winning back the pogs I lost because of my pride.

I ask...when does being an adult get any better and what will be made with the rest of my life until I am called home?