Panic

I am finding myself panicking when I greet my daughter when I come home. Days before were greeted with a big hug and a full breast just for her. We would lay down on the couch and rest while she ate. Many times this would result in her falling asleep. Sleep which came after being safe and content at what she knew to bring her comfort.


Those days are coming to an end.


Now when I pick her up, I have to find some way to distract or make a pathetic excuse as to why mommy keeps pulling her jacket over, blocking the way to contentment. I use my hoodie to help block hands reaching out in frustration and tears to pull at my hair as to cry out, "But wwwwhhhhhyyyyy mama, please just let me in."


I panic because so much of my holding her has been to nourish her wants and needs. Now there has to be some other reason to hold that makes her just as content.


Just looking for images on google to best portray the above image in photoshop, brings a pang in my heart. All these mothers doing something so natural with babies that are fresh and new. Gazes looking down at their child, feeding, an expression on their babies faces.....one I know all too well. 


Yes, breast feeding is hard, at times painful and demanding. Many times I have felt the desire to be free and not have to worry about how long it's been since the last nursing session or pump. Or trying to find a comfortable bra to better facilitate things when out in public, while also hiding my rolls of stomach, stretched to accommodate a miracle from God; trusted in our hands to raise.  



All we have now is a sleepy cuddle in the morning after I know it is safe to offer due to the medication I feel is time to begin again.


After this, I will never breast feed my daughter again in her life. I will go and work hard to bring other good things for her tummy. But not in the same sweet innocent way I use to in that first year of life.